Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
