Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
