there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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