Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
