did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
