I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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