So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
the raccoons are back...
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