When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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