you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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