Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
