I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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