yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
