You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
