they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
