ugly people sure do ruin things
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
