Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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