Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
