I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I think I won the penis lottery.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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