happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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