Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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