I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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