Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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