You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
