Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
