Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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