Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
