probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How's work?
Spinning.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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