Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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