I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
