cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think my moral compass just broke
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
