One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
