but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
