By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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