I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
