it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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