I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
