am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
