Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
