3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
