Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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