Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
