paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
