dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
