By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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