drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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