i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
