Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
