Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I need a beard to bite.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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