Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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