She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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